Speaker 1: 0:05

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of If Margaritas Could Talk, the Over 40 Chronicles podcast. I'm your host, traci Black, and today the podcast that we are talking about. It's a heavy one, one that's been requested, one that's lived in my inbox and one that perhaps lived in my heart a little bit. So the podcast where we pour a drink, open our hearts and get real about the messy, magical, sometimes heartbreaking parts of life. If you're new here, just imagine we're on a patio somewhere sipping gorgeous margarita, something sweet, salty and strong, or your beverage of choice, having a conversation that maybe you didn't even know that you needed. So sit back, relax and let's get started. So today's episode yeah, it's a heavy one, one that's been requested a couple of times.

Speaker 1: 1:00

We are talking about estrangement, specifically estrangement from adult children the silence, pain, guilt, the what happened? And the how do we fix it? Questions. This episode is just me and you, no guests, no fluff, just truth and tenderness.

Speaker 1: 1:20

Estrangement is one of those heart breaks that are kind of quiet, right. It's not like a breakup where your friends send wine and memes. It's not like a death where there's a ritual or a casserole. It's a slow burn, phone that doesn't ring, a holiday that gets quieter. A name you don't say out loud anymore because it hurts too much If you're going through this, first of all, a name you don't say out loud anymore because it hurts too much If you're going through this first of all, I see you, I really do, and let's say this out loud together. It's okay to feel heartbroken, it's okay to miss them and also feel angry. It's okay not to understand why angry. It's okay not to understand why Sometimes estrangement happens because of a big blow-up.

Speaker 1: 2:14

Right, some people think that it always has to be this grandiose situation that creates an estrangement from your children. Sometimes it's a slow drift that ends in silence. Other times it's trauma, speaking things that were never said or said too late. If this is you and you're listening again, I see you, I really do. But here's the thing, right, it's never just about that last conversation. It's always about things that are sometimes underneath the surface, that we don't really know. That exists the expectations, roles we thought that we were playing, the pain that they never brought up, or until they did, or maybe they just never did.

Speaker 1: 2:57

Sometimes with estrangement comes a lot of uncertainty questioning. Questioning if you're a good parent, questioning if you missed the cues, questioning if somehow you thought you were doing all the right things, and then to sort of be faced with the unknown and the scary part of the unknown right, the unknown right. I have several friends who have been in this situation and I really honestly can understand where they're coming from. I've been there a little bit and you learn to understand. As a parent, you know what's okay, what's not okay and why it leads to where that it does.

Speaker 1: 3:42

It hurts deeply. That's the bottom line. Let's be real here. It hurts deeply. Losing touch with your child or your children is a primal kind of grief, because we raise them. We wiped noses, paid the bills, cheered them on when it came to school plays or sporting events or dance recitals, got them through heartbreaks and then suddenly the door is shut. Maybe you don't even know what you did wrong, or maybe you do, and the shame is just kind of eating you alive, so to speak.

Speaker 1: 4:14

Sometimes estrangement isn't about being a bad parent. It can be about miscommunication, right. Sometimes it's about boundaries. Let's face it. Every single person walking this planet ups your absolutely head over heels in love with your parents. Some parents are just not good at boundaries and I think I've been guilty of this from time to time myself. You know, we can't switch off that mom button, like there's no switch for it. You're always in mom mode, whether they are little, medium, older, it's just always still there. We guided them, we gave them the tools, and sometimes it just works out that way. But the real question will always be why. Sometimes it's about healing that they need, right. So it feels like a punishment to us, but it is really about self-preservation for both parties, all parties involved. Right, our children. We teach them the tools, we teach them the importance of self-care this day and age. Here we are in 2025. And if you're over the age of 40, you know exactly what I'm talking about with your children.

Speaker 1: 5:29

Now, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, right, because the hurts create a sense of failure almost. But does it mean that we can hold compassion for ourselves and our children at the same time? Yes, absolutely. The failure component of it, you know, for all the unknowns, really sits deep. Holding compassion for ourselves is hard to do because we are wanting so desperately to have that relationship. We're wanting so desperately to be able to mend and repair wherever things have gone sideways. Or it's really just all about the unknowns. The one thing that I don't like about it is that it kind of makes you feel like you're a villain. I think it's important to remember that we are not the villain in our story, but we are responsible for what we do next and how we approach it, the things that kind of go along with trying to figure it out. So for taking steps towards repair. Now let's take a deep breath. Let's talk about rebuilding, reconnecting, repairing, because, yes, it is possible Not always guaranteed, but possible.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Here are a few of the things that I've learned from research, therapists and real life stories. Number one I think it's imperative to take ownership without defending yourself. Acknowledge the hurt without explaining it away. Say I understand, I hurt you, I want to hear more when you're ready. Avoid saying things like but I did my best or you don't understand how hard it was. Those things might be true, but they don't heal.

Speaker 1: 7:20

The message is important as moms, as dads, when everything we've done in our life has been about putting our children before ourselves and then, at the end, we're hitting this age and then, all of a sudden, you're faced with this new sort of generational situation where it's not reciprocal. So is it important maybe, perhaps to give space without like disappearing Probably one of the hardest things in the world to do when we love our children so much and we want to align, but it just doesn't always go that way. So silence necessarily isn't a bad thing. Sometimes it just means I need to know you won't run when I'm not ready, like a birthday card, a message that says no pressure, I just love you. That matters sending the small messages, and then you don't get a response.

Speaker 1: 8:17

I've heard from so many parents, had so many conversations with so many friends, that say I can text my kid 13 times in a week and I never hear anything, not a single drop, not a three dots, not nothing. So what is that really about? Is it about them setting their own boundaries for themselves, setting boundaries for us that we're unaware of, clearly because they're not communicating? I don't know. Is this new generation just about? Hey, I want to just hold my own power trying to figure it out.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Young adult, middle aged, you know, whatever early 20s, mid 20s, late 20s, 30s, 40s, whatever it might be. We're all sort of sitting here going. Why does it have to be this way? Now, one of the things that's kind of crossed my mind a couple of different times, was our generation 40 and up. Family was everything. You sort of had this ability to create a strong family foundation because it meant something. Our parents. It meant something to them, but it might be very different and, depending on generational trauma, if things were passed down.

Speaker 1: 9:24

Sometimes there are things that need to be put into place if you're trying to protect your family and your kids. So you do all of those things that you think are correct and then you're left with this Get curious about your blind spots. If that makes sense, get some therapy. Journaling helps. Ask yourself what version of me do they remember? Am I willing to grow, even if I feel I was already doing my best?

Speaker 1: 9:51

I think that in the world that we live today, my son explained it one time very, very clearly to me, where he said you guys just don't think the way that I think and you're a little more closed minded, and just because you did something or just because you learned a certain way, doesn't mean that that's something that I have to continue on, or doesn't mean that that's something that matters to me. And in that moment I kind of sort of went no, you're absolutely right. Our opinions we give them, whether they want them or not. I mean, let's be honest, right, sometimes some people do give them, some people don't. Some people hold their tongue.

Speaker 1: 10:33

But when we sit back and we're watching our children make kind of the same mistakes over and over again or repeat certain behavioral relationship patterns, do we intervene, do we go? I want to be here for you and I want to help you and then say I understand who you are, but then really, do we right? There's so many unanswered questions. Isn't the goal, when we raise them, to become independent and on their own, and then they're gone and then you wish that they were back. It's kind of a part of the cycle which is psychologically kind of messed up. Really, apologies, you know, don't expect a parade for it. You don't get a reward for giving an apology. Remember that rebuilding those relationships take time. It might not happen on your timeline, and that's okay. Every olive branch is a seed. Let them grow. So, when you keep the door open, protect your own inner peace.

Speaker 1: 11:37

As hard as it is, as hard as many mothers sit, night after night, day after day, wondering if their kids are okay, wondering why they don't hear from their kids, wondering why they don't want to come home for Easter dinner or Thanksgiving or even Christmas. Estrangement is a two-way street. If you reached out with love and growth and still get silence, that doesn't mean you're unworthy. You're still allowed joy, connection and healing, even while you wait affirmation. I think it's important to affirm to yourself that you did all the things you could do as a parent, whether it be, you know, being supportive emotionally, physically, all those things. Time after time, we sit back. We watch our children grow, especially with relationships. Mothers and daughters tend to sometimes have a little bit more of a tumultuous relationship. Mothers and sons usually have better relationships, and vice versa with dads. So how do we repair it in a way that we feel like we're going to be okay?

Speaker 1: 12:51

I took a poll with a couple of different people and friends and, of course, some of the inbox emails that I received regarding this subject. You know bringing it up is always difficult for people, but just remember that you're not alone. It actually happens and parents just feel lost and confused, upset. They want to have control over the situation. So there's a key word right Control. We're losing control because we gave the control to our children to allow them to control their own lives. Yet we sit back and go. We no longer have any control and they don't want to do the things we want them to do. Is it worth it to sit back and repair? Yes, it is. Is it the child's responsibility? I think so. Is it the parent's responsibility? I think so too. Every party involved.

Speaker 1: 13:39

No matter what relationship you have, I think it's important to remember that it is a relationship. You're not best friends with your kids Well, not everybody. Some people are but time is not borrowed and you can literally be here for one minute to the next and then you're gone. So stop blaming yourself for someone else's silence, but also be brave enough to reach out, be soft enough to listen, because you're not alone. Whether you're a parent that's hoping for a call or a child avoiding one, you're human and human beings are messy and magnificent and healing every single day, I think, the lines of communication, even when they are broken. You can choose love over pride, and I am open to healing patiently in the waiting and worthy of reconciliation. Maybe set your mantra to exactly that.

Speaker 1: 14:42

I don't know if I have all the solutions here today, but I know there's lots of helpful tools out there in the world for parents that are in this exact situation going help. How do what do I do? How do I reach my child? How do we reconcile, how do we fix? But maybe sometimes we can't fix because we are the fixers as parents, right, we fix boo-boos when they fall down, we fix when they're sick, we take them to the hospital, we fix when we got to get the braces on, we fix when toys are broken. I mean, it goes on and on and on. It's kind of funny because kids don't really come with a book to say, hey, this is what you're going to go through with your kids. Now, what to expect when you're expecting is a whole other topic, because it is about bringing that newborn baby home. Right, at least there's that. I kind of laugh because I go. Had there been a book that was written in the 70s for every single parent or 60s, you know, whatever I think we would all just be a little bit better off with how to keep and maintain those relationships without making any boo-boos.

Speaker 1: 15:48

But again, I kind of reiterate, you go back to we're human and human beings are messy and magnificent at the same time. So continue to heal and be brave enough to reach out, be soft enough to listen. I don't have all the answers here today on this podcast, but I do know that patience is key. Being kind to yourself is even more key. So, moms and dads, and daughters and sons, it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling and it's okay to sit back and say I just need some time. The one thing that I encourage is if you just need time. The one thing that I encourage is, if you just need time, give it some time. But don't just think that because you've given time, you don't have to reach out. Be open to reconciliation, be open to listening, be open to wanting to just be okay with the way things are for a little while. Wanting to just be okay with the way things are for a little while.

Speaker 1: 17:00

I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'd like to hear more information from some parents that are experiencing this. You know I sat back. I watched a show. I think it was like Beverly Housewives of New York or something along the lines of that. I'm not 100% sure. Oc. The OC.

Speaker 1: 17:13

One of the wives said you know, I pay for my daughter's cell phone and she does not return my texts at all. So is that a conversation, right? Do you have a conversation with our adult children to say, hey, maybe don't forget that situation, but then, is that still us trying to take control? I think that tenderness has to happen and we're in a different time. Our children are not us and we have to remember that.

Speaker 1: 17:38

As hard as it is to sit back and watch and feel the feelings and be inside your feelings and, yeah, all the things that come with it. Now, have you ever heard the term? You're annoying Our parents, our kids. We've said it, we've thought about that about our parents before. They're annoying, and now our children can feel that way about us too. It doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. It doesn't mean that you're annoying, but it does mean that they have to sort out how they're feeling.

Speaker 1: 18:12

I'm not just going to give our kids a pass on this one. I'm going to say those are your feelings and no one's to tell you otherwise. I'm in my feelings and no one's going to tell me otherwise. But somewhere in the middle, you can both be in your feelings and still be respectful. You can both be in your feelings and still be respectful. You can both be in your feelings and still show love and kindness. You can both be in your feelings and say I only have so much time with my mom, my dad, my son, my daughter, so take a different path, choose a different path.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Do what you need to do at the end of the day just to keep sharing love. Keep open-minded to a relationship, whatever form it may be, and I want to thank you for sitting in this tender space with me today. If this touched your heart, share it with someone who needs it. Leave a review, send me a DM. Let me know how this landed for you. Until next time, drink something delicious, love yourself fiercely and remember healing is always possible. That's it today. For If Margaritas Could Talk, I'm your host, tracy Black. Remember to subscribe, follow, listen on all your listening platforms. We also can be found at wwwifmargaritascouldtalkcom for more incredible podcast episodes coming up. For now, take it easy, you're okay. Cheers.